Graceified 2.0

Every time I try writing down my thoughts, they don’t sound right. They are my thoughts; this much I’m sure of.

These thoughts are not deep or insightful, merely from the heart and pure. They sometimes try to sound smarter than they are (as I do on occasion when I’m around people who easily can out wit and/or out think me), but only to disguise how much weight they truly hold.

The thoughts are nervous and doubting because they don’t trust me to follow through on much in terms of reality. They get this way when my worlds are in conflict (and my worlds are very much in conflict right now). They encourage me to think with my mind and react with my heart, but they doubt my mind will spend much time in the decision.

Yet, one thing they do not doubt (besides the thing that is obvious to them not to doubt in…that being God) is one thing they do not have complete control over. As if, they have control over anything.Yet, they do not desire control over anything really… because with control comes a lack of free will and sincerity…as well as a lack of an authentic desire and a complete lack of anything to be desired. So on,so on…

If my exact thoughts could come out right now… if the things that form in my heart could form words in my mouth, I do not think you would be surprised.

I decided, based on the prodding of friends, to try making my own cold press coffee at home. The experiment will be one that will probably take me a few attemps. The first attempt wasn’t unbearable…just weak and ground too thin. Attempt number two will be better (perhaps).

I’ve had a high temp for the past two weeks. I’ve been told it’s nothing and that sometimes during times of stress your temperature will increase a few degrees. What? Really. Sometimes I wonder if doctors just make up things to see if people will believe it. I usually do. So… I guess if they are making up things, then …. huh. Ok.

I’m making some lists. I like lists. Not because I’m organized (I only wish) but rather because I’m a forgetful person and so having a list of things in certain categories helps. Also, it’s fun to see how many things are within that category. For example… things that I hope I will never grow out of:

1.) Popping bubble wrap
2.) Dancing like a fool
3.) Blowing milk bubbles
4.) Ice cream cones
5.) Jump roping
6.) Playing with sidewalk chalk
7.) Four square
8.) Disney movies
9.) Jumping on the bed
10.) Child-like faith

Mmm… yep.

More lists to come in the future, I’m sure. Until then…

I love life. I really do. I find the littlest things utterly amazing and amusing. For example, tonight I was brushing my teeth (this tends to be a regular part of my nightly routine, so do not be surprised). While brushing my teeth, my toothbrush went rogue and attacked my eyeball. HOW in the world this happens, I still do not know. Yet, after the intial pain wore off I could not stop laughing. So much so that my mother had to know what was going on. When I filled her in, she gave a few pity chuckles and went off to bed. I… on the other hand.. am still laughing.

I.Love.Life.

I think God has a great sense of humor. I wonder often how many times he looks down on us and goes “Heh, oh _______. You are a goofball”. If he does, I’m sure I get that a lot. I hope there’s humor in Heaven; I don’t see how there won’t be what with animals like the anteater and the flamingo.

I always worry. I worry about grades, friends, family, myself, the future, etc. I usually have no reason to worry. I’m a smart girl when I put the effort forth. My friends and family are healthy. I know myself more than I ever thought I would. My future looks exciting and full of possibilities. I have nothing to fear and nothing to worry about since my Savior is in control.

Yet, I worry. I waste so much time worrying.

I want to be a more confident person. There is a difference between caring and worrying. I can care for people’s well-being. I can care about my future. I can care about things around me, but I have no need to worry. What does worrying change? Nothing. What more does worrying waste!

Graduation in 23 days. I care very much.

I have a pretty big paper due for class tomorrow at 4pm. Definitely no time to work on it tomorrow. Yet, I sit here at Dunn Bros people watching and analyzing my drink choice (Iced Vanila Nirvana). I’ve been using a lot of coupons and such lately, thus stretching my budget a little farther… but also probably buying things I wouldn’t otherwise buy. Thus, I believe, the purpose of coupons. Sneaky things…

I know I need to finish out this semester strong. I know that I can do this pretty easily if I just stop procrastinating. I’m fully capable of being a rockstar in my classes with the remaining assignments. I just keep choosing not to be.

5 days until the Junior High Youth Gathering. 26 days until graduation. 68 days until my last day at Advancement. 76 days until Jess and Zach tie the knot. 82 days until I move to Rapid City.

82… 82 days left in Minnesota. Scary. Each one is a gift. I must remember that. I want to live each one to the fullest.

I wonder if my car will break down on the way out there. It hasn’t been acting up lately… so let’s hope not. That would stink…